May 27, 2011

My Week In Pictures

I received a stylish pair of handmade earrings.

 Spawn#2 had this weird rash on her legs- which turned out to be spilled Icee. 

The kids found this app on my iPhone.

 We found out that our cat is a cyborg.

I did henna.

 Spawn#2 did this for some reason.

 And I painted my nails Hello Kitty pink. 

So much excitement! I lead a glamorous life. Happy Friday, everyone. Enjoy your weekend. 

May 25, 2011

Going Incognito

One day, my littlest Spawn was fooling around on my computer and I saw this pop up on my screen:

You've gone incognito. Otherwise known as, You want to look at porn and you don't want anyone to know about it. 
I love the warnings Google is kind enough to give you. Please be wary of:
-Websites that collect info about you- When you sign up for your free porn site membership, they will remember your info, so don't use your real name. 
-Internet providers or employers that track pages you visit- You should probably wait until you get home to look up that latex fetish you have. Also, your boss will appreciate not having to discipline you after finding Hot Young Teens 18 XXX Live!!! in your history.
-Malicious software that tracks your keystrokes for free smileys- I have no idea what this is. I must be too old. Maybe it's something from MySpace or something.
-Surveillance by secret agents- If you are being investigated by secret agents, I am going to kindly suggest that you clean up your act and quit looking at porn. You have better things to do. Turning yourself in to the authorities may be one of them.
-People standing behind you- You never know when you are going to run into your neighbors at Starbucks, and they probably don't want to know that you're into furries. The librarian doesn't want to know either. 

May 20, 2011

{this moment}

Now I am going to do that thing where I pretend like you don't have your own adorable children and want to look at how adorable mine are.
We had the Spawn's pictures taken at the mall this week, and I have to say that I am quite pleased. That woman must have worked her magic because my evil little heathens look almost- dare I say it- angelic.

All together now: "Awwwww!"

Ok, I'm done. You can go about your business now. Thank you.

May 18, 2011

The Day My Kids Got Flipped Off At Wal-Mart

Let me first say- I am trying to let this go.
I am trying to open my heart and let this incident fly away like a cute little bluebird, leaving feelings of forgiveness and love behind.
It's not working. 
Instead, this is sitting on my brain like a big, fat, bald vulture, picking and picking and PICKING away.
The other day we went to Wal-Mart. As the kids and I were walking through the parking lot, a large truck backed out near us. I didn't even really think about it- the kids and I were walking as out of the way of the road as we could, and we kept walking. We were almost to the entrance when I heard someone shout something about kids- and I still didn't get it. But after a few more steps, I turned around- and this old woman driving a big ol' Chevy was flipping us off. I turned back around and kept walking. I couldn't believe my eyes. I just had to turn around again- and there she was, flipping us off some more. Can you believe it! She was flipping off a woman and her 3 young children because we happened to be walking down the road while she was backing out. We didn't even walk behind her car! We were on the opposite side of the road- but because her truck was so big, she had to stop for a second while we passed.
I'll admit it- I reacted. After my brain finally processed what was happening, I yelled something like- "How could you? There are children here! You're disgusting!" Then I jumped on the hood of her car, growling at her as I bared my teeth. She cowered in fear, but it was too late. I punched my fist through the windshield and dragged her worthless waste of a body out of the car. Then I tossed it across the parking lot like a rag doll, and ripped her truck apart with my bare hands.
Okay, I didn't. But I did yell that she was disgusting, and I just can't let it go. Why do people have to be so horrible? What happened to common decency? Who the hell flips off little kids????
And also, anyone happen to catch her license plate?

May 10, 2011

Not Blessed Mama's Unwanted And Unsolicited Book Review: Go The F To Sleep

I decided it was time to branch out with the Not Blessed Mama empire, and expand my unsolicated product reviews to the literary world. You're welcome, all of you. I do it because I love you.
A friend recently pointed this book out to me:

Yup, that's right- Go the Fuck to Sleep. After my moment of shock, I couldn't stop snickering. Check out this glimpse from inside the book-

All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap. 
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

The only problem I have with this book is that I DIDN'T WRITE IT. Seriously- curse words, rhymes, adorable illustrations, babies- it's like a magical recipe for awesomeness. I am far too familiar with that feeling- it's the end of the day and you are running on empty. You wonder how in the hell your child is not passed out from exhaustion (because you are about to). You pray to the gods for that damn child (which you love with your entire being, of course), to just shut up and go to sleep. No, not a pretty thought- but not an uncommon or abnormal one either.
So, Adam Mansbach, a tip of the hat to you. I have many parent friends who I know would get a good laugh from this fine piece of literary genius.
(As would Not Blessed Mama, if this book would happen to land in her lap- and oh look, it's such a good price on Amazon too. Hmmmm.) 

May 8, 2011

Happy Mama's Day, Ladies.

I was just checking some crap stuff on-line before heading off to bed, and I saw this:

It was on the Yahoo homepage (and probably still is). Now, this picture strongly reinforces my theory that every company needs to have a mother as an employee in an important position. Because this would never happen:
Ad exec #1: So what signifies Mothers Day to our users?
Ad exec #2: A kid scribbling on a wall, making a fat mess that her mother will have to clean up on her special day? Oh, and the mom should lovingly pat the girl on the head, just to show how much she appreciates her drawing all over the wall.
Room full of ad exec's nod and murmur in agreement.
I mean, what the bloody hell? What would make a women feel special about scrubbing paint off the wall? Let me tell you, I have at least 2 scribbles I need to go paint over right now, and they don't make me want to pat my Spawn on the head. Maybe if the patting involved some swatting, but not just patting. It's stupid. Yahoo- stupid.
So, to all my dear Mama friends, I wish you a lovely and wonderful and beautiful Mother's Day, that makes your wildest dreams come true- and I hope that no one draws on your walls. Smack 'em if they do. 
Love, Not Blessed Mama

May 5, 2011

Not Blessed Mama's Unwanted And Unsolicited Product Review: Suave Dry Shampoo Spray

I really love giving unwanted product reviews. I feel like it's my calling- to let my lovely readers know which products suck, and which are awesome. I know the companies appreciate it too- they don't have to give me anything for free, I just write about them! (Of course, if they gave me their stuff for free, I would probably be more delicate when the item sucked ass. But no one sends me any free stuff, so that's their bad.)
I have a younger sister. Here she is:
This is her Gaga halloween outfit- I know she will be super happy I used this pic.

She is very into fashion, make-up, and all that jazz. Obviously I am not, or I never would have said something like "all that jazz" because it is so not cool. Every once in a while she tries to drag me out of the depths of unwashed hippie-ism with assorted products or trendy clothing. Sometimes it works, and this is definitely one of those times. Behold, my new love-

Yes, that is Suave Dry Shampoo Spray. What in the holy hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, let me tell you. This stuff is AWESOOOOOOOOOME.
I have oily hair. I thought about taking before and after pics of me using this product, but posting pictures of my greasy hair was farther than even I could go (sorry loves). If I wash my hair at night, when I wake up in the morning it is totally oily and flat and looks like I haven't washed it in a week. Which, let's be honest, isn't uncommon. But Suave Dry Shampoo has come to the rescue!
When your hair starts looking like someone rubbed chicken fat into it, you take this spray and mist your roots. It's very light- you can barely notice it going on, and you really don't look any different at first. But after a few minutes, your roots are noticeably fresher, your hair smells great (the spray has a light citrus scent), and you have BODY, and VOLUME, which is sweet for us limp haired ladies.
I am so happy I tried Suave Dry Shampoo spray. I can go a few days without washing my hair, and not look like the dirty hairy stinky hippie I really am.
And maybe if I keep typing SUAVE DRY SHAMPOO, SUAVE DRY SHAMPOO, SUAVE DRY SHAMPOO, they will send me a freaking coupon for their product or something! Damn, what's a girl gotta do to get some free crap? Someone clue me in.

May 3, 2011

And I'm Like, Eff You-oo oo-whoo-whoo-whoo

So, I have been noticing a trend lately. A trend that is ruffling my feathers and making me all crotchety-like.
This trend is......
It's the new black- bashing moms. For any and all reasons.
Are you a mom who dares to write on the internet and publish it as a blog? A- dare I say it- MOMMY BLOGGER? So trite! So cliche! How dare you be something so lowly as a mother- and a stay-at-home mom is even more worthless- and think you have the right to write. To say something, to make your voice heard. Obviously the only thing you are good for is changing diapers and doing laundry, so why don't you just head on home and shut up about it?
It's happening all to often lately. I turn on the computer and there's another article about the ridiculous things Moms are up to. Trying to post breastfeeding photos on Facebook. Receiving money or goods to review products. You know how Moms are! Wanting to be part of society. Wanting to be paid for their work or get some kind of compensation. Geeze, Moms are crazy!!!!
It's getting to be too much. I am a Mom. I am a blogger. I am a woman, a person, a member of society. I want friends- I want a community-I want my voice, and I want it to be heard. And I don't give a f@ck if you are a Mom, a Dad, a Woman or an elephant- you have that right. Take it. I'm sorry, uppity urban white hipsters ragging on other people's blogs- you do not hold the monopoly over free speech..
So here is a special song dedicated to those who have used the term mommy blogger in a derogatory manner. Pay special attention to the chorus:

Parental warning: explicit lyrics
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