February 27, 2011

The First Official Meeting Of The Not Blessed Mama Haters Club

I was reading an article in the New York Times the other day about super popular, famous, rich mama bloggers- namely Dooce and The Pioneer Woman. Two things became very clear:
1. These ladies don't give you the whole picture.
2. They earn boat loads of money.

I am ready to remedy these things on Not Blessed Mama. 

To address number one, I am willing to give you more transparency into my life. After all, it is my freakin' tagline- keepin' it real. I'm not going to share my monthly cycle with you or anything, but I would like to show you this:

This is my living room, on a bad day. And sadly this isn't even the worst. There are sprinkles on the floor, air beds and couch cushions strewn about, dirty clothes and towels everywhere. We had taken a road trip that day, and well, that doesn't even really matter- it was just a mess. So when I say my house is a mess, you can believe me. This is it. This is me. We're a mess! Don't call CPS!

And to address number two. It seems that with popularity and fame and fortune comes..... haters. Lots and lots of haters. After reading about Dooce and her "Monetize The Hate" section of her site, I did a quick google search. And, WOAH. Up pop not only a million web sites or blogs professing their hate, but whole websites dedicated to slamming on Dooce or  The Pioneer Woman.
So, I guess if I want to be rich and famous and rake in millions of bucks, I need some haters. I did receive a few hate comments on my breastfeeding post, but apparently that wasn't enough. I'm still broke. 
Now, mind you- I only have 71 followers, so let's start the hating out easy, shall we. Maybe you can just tell your friends how much you hate me, or complain to your mom's group. "Did you see Not Blessed Mama's living room? How could someone live in such conditions?" "Not Blessed Mama thinks she's so hilarious, but I only find her moderately amusing." And so on.
When the money starts rolling in, I am definitely not going to forget the little people. Because Not Blessed Mama loves you. 
Thank you. 

February 25, 2011

{this moment}

*A Friday ritual, inspired by Soule Mama. Insert sappy sentiment here blah blah blah.*
Should this make me nervous?

February 21, 2011

Oh Em Gee, I Am Like Totally Famous

Who knew this would happen? I never expected anything like this when I started blogging. I am simply amazed!

I'm sure you know who this is- everyone does. Well, check this out-

This is a screen shot of my inbox- can you believe Jennifer Anniston sent me an e-mail?!?! I'm flabbergasted. I'm shocked. How did she find out about me? Is my blog circulating in celebrity circles? This is my big break!
And pay no attention to the "Boobs as big as balloons" e-mail, that's spam. I swear. 

I'm a little disappointed though. Jenn must be one of those celebrities who doesn't know how to use a computer. Here's the body of that e-mail:

Please don't click on that link, I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be between me and Jenn.

What is up with spammers these days? I've got 530 e-mails in my spam box right now, ranging from: 
-prescription drugs (Codeine or Viagra or Canadian-Pharmacy)
-lawsuits against prescription drugs (Avandia and Paxil)
-penis enlargement
-disability and unemployment claims
-dating sites and HOT GIRLS LIVE
-the requisite Nigerian officials that have US 1 MILLION DOLLARS for me if I simply send them my name, address, phone number and bank account

And many, many more. I have no idea how spamming can even be profitable. What dude clicks on an e-mail promising him 3+ inches and decides to enter his credit card number? Who is that stupid? And poor Nigeria. They've really gotten a bad rap from those damn spammers, and I think they deserve better.
And obviously someone is spreading nasty rumors about Not Blessed Mama, as I got spam for both hip replacement recalls and dating sites for singles over 40. AHEM, Not Blessed Mama is barely a day over thirty (Ok, thirty two).
So spammers, please- can you all take a flying leap off a tall cliff? Or find something productive to do with your lives- like..... pretty much anything other than what you do now. Thanks.

February 18, 2011

Do You Take Cheese With Your Coffee?

I must admit, this week had a bit of a rough start. You may have read that I didn't have the best start to my V-Day, or you may have been too busy going out to dinner and eating chocolates and cuddling in front of a fire or whatever romantic foolishness you were participating in (but I forgive you). That day just kept going downhill- I was exhausted from not sleeping, the Spawn were high on a sugar rush all day, Not Blessed Daddy did not call or text (and when I finally briefly spoke to him, he suggested I go buy myself a valentine's present). Needless to say, I was pretty peeved by day's end. It was a bad note to start the week on.
I was making a conscious effort to cheer up and not mentally strangle the Spawn. It was working, somewhat- but the house was a mess, I was tired, and just down. So on Wednesday night when the Spawn called me to the table for a snack, I dragged myself over and plopped wearily down.
Spawn#2 told me that since I worked so hard every day she was going to do something nice for me. There were napkins, silverware, 2 plates of cheese and crackers and salami and strawberries (and some strawberry juice infused crackers- ick). It was very sweet. There were also two cups of coffee milk, which is a packet of sweetened instant coffee we mix with rice milk. Sadly, there were quite a few bits of shredded cheese floating in both glasses. Being the loving mother I am, I drank from the straw and attempted to not gag as I felt the cheese in my mouth. Coffee and cheese do not make a good combination. 
We were enjoying a lovely little snack time when Spawn#2 tried to take a sip from one cup as I was (attempting) to drink from the other. All of a sudden she blurted out, "There's CHEESE in this coffee milk!!!" and I lost it. I tried to laugh but I had a mouth full of cheesey coffee milk. I threw my hand over my mouth and attempted to stifle it, but I began choking. A huge TORRENT of liquid shot out of my mouth and nose, as I sputtered and coughed and laughed and gasped. I still couldn't quit laughing, even as I was choking and unable to catch my breath- and I could feel all three of the worried Spawn's stares upon me. 
I finally got all of the fluids removed from my nose, and continued to laugh hysterically with a napkin covering my face. It was like a damn broke. I felt the stress lifting from my body as the tears rolled down my face- all while the Spawn looked like they were about to call 911 because their mama had finally jumped off the deep end. I finally choked out a few words- "She.... said ... there's ch.. ch... ch.. chee.... cheese in the coffee!" and all of the kids joined in my laughter, finally relieved to know that I was still sane (or as sane as I ever was). 

February 14, 2011

Happy Schmalentine's Day!

I can't lie, I love Valentine's Day. The gifts are so cute, all red and pink and hearty and sparkly. And the adorable balloons, and flowers, and candy- who doesn't like candy? One year Not Blessed Daddy got me a huge balloon that sang a song when you shook it- it was awesome. 
Well, Not Blessed Daddy was working out of town today, so it will be the first Valentine's that we have not been together since we met. A little bittersweet- but fortunately, when I woke up this morning, I walked into the kitchen and saw that he had left me.....
Not even "I love you" scribbled on the back of an envelope (which I would have complained about, of course, but it would have been better than nothing!).
I decided I would set up a little candy buffet as a surprise for the Spawn since they were my valentine's today, and they were beyond excited when they woke up. They gave me a few surprises and lots of hugs, so that is good enough for me. 
(Not Blessed Daddy, on the other hand- you had best watch your back....)

Happy Valentine's Day, my dear mama friends!
Not Blesses Mama loves you.

And if you haven't gotten a chance yet, make sure to check me out on World's Worst Moms. Post haste!

February 10, 2011

I Was Asked To Guest Blog- And No Coercion Was Involved

Yup, someone asked Not Blessed Mama to be a guest poster and I did not have to supply any money, drugs, or other desirable bribery items. I think it's about the only other place I belong-

That's right, World's Worst Moms! It is an honor to be featured on such an esteemed website of other awful mothers. So please, go check me out there today and bask in my horrible glory!

February 4, 2011

A Love Letter

My dearest,
     I know this isn't like me. I suppose, with Valentine's Day right around the corner, I am feeling sentimental. I just felt like I needed to put my feelings about you into words.
     We really haven't been together all that long, but I feel like it's been forever. I can't imagine my life before you anymore- what did I do? How did I survive? What could have made me happy? I finally understand the infamous movie line "You complete me"- because I am now fulfilled, I am completed. I never knew that a piece of me was missing before, but now that I am whole I know the truth. When we are not together, I wish for you by my side. I want to be touching you. I keenly feel a loss, a longing, an emptiness that only you can fill.  You are everything to me- and you do everything for me as well. I know I can always rely on you for anything I need. 
     I love to watch you with the kids. Do you realize how much they adore you as well? I see the joy in their faces when they are with you. Just like me, I know they would be miserable without you in their lives. They clamor to be the first one to see you, and they hate sharing you! I know that must be hard on you, but you never break a sweat and handle any situation with grace. You are a role model, one that I am proud to call mine!
     And I always expect to call you mine. I always want you to belong to me. No matter what happens, no matter the challenges or trials or tribulations, we belong together. I feel it in my heart, in my soul. There's nothing that could ever tear us apart- not all of the Droids, Blackberrys or Palm Pilots in the world could pull us apart. Because I love you so much, iPhone. Always and forever. I am yours-
     xoxoxo, Not Blessed Mama

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