September 29, 2011

Lice, Your Child, And You (You Being The Horrible Parent)

Oh, Not Blessed Mama has had one of those weeks, yes she has. Now we're in the middle of dealing with a possible lice infestation. Yup, homeschoolers can get lice too, apparently. Doesn't seem fair, but anyway. I have learned some things about lice this week, and I'd like to share them with you.

1.THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. You are a horrible parent. You didn't wash the sheets enough, you never clean the house, and now your kid has lice. How could you let this happen?

2. ONLY DIRTY POOR PEOPLE GET LICE. And now, everyone will know that you are a dirty poor person. They will all find out- oh yes, they will. And they'll tell e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e! EVERYONE will be talking about it. Congrats.

3. YOU NEED TO TREAT YOUR WHOLE FILTHY HOUSE FOR THOSE BUGS. Anything within a one mile radius of your child needs to be sprayed with Lysol, doused in bleach and set on fire.

4. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST MOVE, IF YOU COMPLETED #3 PROPERLY. It'll be better if you move anyway- your kids might have a chance at a normal life.

5. HURRY AND GO BUY SOME LICE SHAMPOO TO KILL THOSE SUCKERS. If you expect your kid to ever be bug-free, get your hiney to the store and buy that ridiculously over-priced crap. All the good parents do.

6. IF YOU USE TOXIC LICE SHAMPOO, YOU ARE POISONING YOUR CHILD. Only a moron would put that toxic crap on their kid. You need to douse your kid in olive oil and mayonnaise and light a stick of incense. All the good parents do.

7. THE LICE WILL NEVER BE GONE AND YOU NEED TO OBSESSIVELY CHECK FOR THEM. You should probably get some Red Bull, coffee and crank, because you won't be sleeping for the next 6 months. Every night will be spent picking through your child's hair with the light from your phone.

8. KILLING YOURSELF MAY BE EASIER. I'm sorry, my friend. I don't advocate violence in any situation, except for lice. It's just not worth living anymore once lice is in your house.

Well, I hope that you have enjoyed Not Blessed Mama's tips for treating lice! Good luck!

Of course this post was written in jest- if you need real information regarding lice, check out a website such as Dr. Sears.

September 22, 2011

Raise Your Hand If You Pledge To Eat Schweddy Balls

You may have noticed that Not Blessed Mama is all about the social issues lately. I just feel that as an internet celebrity, I have certain responsibilities. I pledge to you that I will do my darndest to live up to your expectations. I owe it to you. Like I've always said, I'll never forget the little people.

Recently, Ben & Jerry's announced its newest flavor- Schweddy Balls, in honor of the infamous SNL skit with Alec Baldwin (seriously, if you haven't watched it- click the link. Hilarious). And almost immediately, a boycott was announced. One Million Moms has said that Schweddy Balls is too vulgar for something as innocent as ice cream- and they don't want their kids asking for it at the grocery store. Basically, if you buy this ice cream, you are contributing to the downfall of society. OMM is very upset with Ben & Jerry's for offending it's customers- like when they released the ice cream in support of gay marriage last year. Shameful!

Well, guess what, OMM. Jokes about balls are not ruining our society. Intolerant jerks are. Ball jokes are funny- so are jokes about farts, poops, and any other bathroom humor. It's just funny. Don't fight it. No point. Get used to it, and go focus your energy somewhere important.

That's why I'm starting another new initiative- OMM-WEB, One Million Moms Who Eat Balls. I will gladly pay to gobble up some Schweddy Balls. I'll let my kids eat Balls! I'll offer my husband Balls after dinner. And we'll all laugh about it, and then go on living our lives. Because jokes about balls are funny.

If you're interested in joining our movement, leave a comment below- or send me a tweet with the #OneMillionMomsWhoEatBalls hashtag. Granted,the hashtag is pretty long so you won't be able to say much- but we have to show our solidarity to the world. We must unite in the face of ridiculousness and say, "We are more ridiculous than you! We will not stand for your intolerance! And we have no shame, so we will embarrass you!" So far we have one member, but I know that our ranks will grow. Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can be the people who eat Schweddy Balls. God Bless America. The End.

September 15, 2011

A Day In The Life: Not Blessed Mama Edition

Not too long ago, I saw my pal Razing Mayhem say that she was going to participate in a photo challenge- and I'm way too lazy to go back and look at what it was or who started it, but it was something along the lines of taking a picture every hour for one day.

I know that you, my loyal reader, must be very fascinated by Not Blessed Mama's rock-star lifestyle. I know you're just wondering every day- what's N.B.M. doing? Where is she today? What's she wearing, who's she with? I am here to answer your burning questions, my dears. Because I love you, and that's what I do. Here is a day in the life of the Not Blessed family. (Okay, all these pics were not taken exactly one hour apart- I'm not a robot. But I tried.)

9 a.m.
Since we co-sleep, I am awakened each morning with a loving smile. I then roll over and tell that loving smile that I am still tired, and to leave me alone.

10 a.m.
I always make sure my kids start the day with a nutritious breakfast, like an ice cream sandwich. You think I'm kidding.

11 a.m.
We're playing with these kid's meal toys from Sonic. Tot-dinosaurs. What crackhead designed these?

12 p.m.
Come to mama, delicious caffeinated beverage. You have no idea how much I enjoyed this. (Or how I'm still wide awake at 2 a.m.- thanks, caffeine.)
1 p.m.
Homeschooling- my kids love workbooks so much, they eat them up! Like, literally gnawing!

2 p.m.
Enjoying the internet. There's my Facebook page, my Words With Friends (username notblessedmama), and a Twitter conversation I greatly enjoyed.  Genie In a Blog called Dr. Pepper "DP"- much to my shock and delight. An interesting conversation ensued, which ended with Dr. Pepper following me, which made me self conscious about the DP jokes.

3 p.m.
Play-Doh kitties. Don't judge the messy hair and dirty fingernails, she didn't go anywhere.

4 p.m.
Snuggle time. I suppose you can tell who is the mama's boy in this house.

5 p.m.
What he would do all day and all night (every day), if I let him.

6 p.m.
 Pancakes for dinner- you didn't exactly catch me on a proud food day.

7 p.m.
Putting my feet up, playing Words With Friends.

8 p.m.
 Rewarding myself with my Subway card from Klout Perks. Spawn#3 insisted on wearing red white and blue swim trunks, an orange shirt with some peyote inspired desert scene, and a plastic bag as an Adventure Time backpack. The writing on his arm is a watch.

9 p.m.
What's on my table: markers, drawings, popcorn and a cat.

10 p.m.
Yeah, my kids sleep until 9 in the morning- but that means this is what they look like at 10 at night.

11 p.m.
Cleaning the guinea pig cage at 11- because what else would I be doing? Sleeping?

12 a.m.
 Got up after the kids went to sleep to do the dishes- decided to stick my head in the oven instead.

1 a.m.
 Me bloggin' it up for you, and loving my 2nd best friend (everyone knows my iPhone holds they key to my heart).

2-4 a.m.
No photos- Instagram quit exporting my pictures, and then Blogger quit letting me insert said pictures where I desired. It was not pretty.

And that's it! An exciting peek into the life of Not Blessed Mama. Hope you enjoyed it!

September 6, 2011

The Hidden Danger That's Threatening Our Daughters

Our daughters are in danger.

There's an epidemic facing our young ones, and no one's talking about it. I only recently had my eyes opened to the situation, but I'm here to break the silence.
This is the face of fear.

Tank tops.

Yes, tank tops. Young girls going around with bare shoulders. I'm not even sure how our society got to a place where it was deemed acceptable for a tot to prance around in a spaghetti strap sundress, but something needs to be done about it. Take a look at these facts*:

- 67% of girls who are allowed to wear tank tops drop out of high school.

- Teen pregnancy is 82% more likely in a girl who was raised in a bare-shoulder household.

- 73% of the female homeless population was allowed to wear spaghetti straps before they were 18.

- Mothers of bare-shouldered girls are 89% more likely to consume alcohol weekly.

You know that Not Blessed Mama is always interested in important causes. That's why I'm starting the MABS Foundation- Mothers Against Bare Shoulders. If you take just a moment today to make a contribution to MABS, 100% of your tax-deductible donation will go to rehabilitating a sweet, innocent child who has suffered from living a life with her shoulders exposed. With your generosity, these girls will have a chance at living a normal, functional life. A shoulders-covered life. Don't we owe it to the younger generation? Give our daughters a chance. Donate to MABS today. Thank you.

*All statistics in this article are from the Not Blessed Mama Insitiute of Fictional Research.
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