September 29, 2011

Lice, Your Child, And You (You Being The Horrible Parent)

Oh, Not Blessed Mama has had one of those weeks, yes she has. Now we're in the middle of dealing with a possible lice infestation. Yup, homeschoolers can get lice too, apparently. Doesn't seem fair, but anyway. I have learned some things about lice this week, and I'd like to share them with you.

1.THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. You are a horrible parent. You didn't wash the sheets enough, you never clean the house, and now your kid has lice. How could you let this happen?

2. ONLY DIRTY POOR PEOPLE GET LICE. And now, everyone will know that you are a dirty poor person. They will all find out- oh yes, they will. And they'll tell e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e! EVERYONE will be talking about it. Congrats.

3. YOU NEED TO TREAT YOUR WHOLE FILTHY HOUSE FOR THOSE BUGS. Anything within a one mile radius of your child needs to be sprayed with Lysol, doused in bleach and set on fire.


4. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST MOVE, IF YOU COMPLETED #3 PROPERLY. It'll be better if you move anyway- your kids might have a chance at a normal life.

5. HURRY AND GO BUY SOME LICE SHAMPOO TO KILL THOSE SUCKERS. If you expect your kid to ever be bug-free, get your hiney to the store and buy that ridiculously over-priced crap. All the good parents do.

6. IF YOU USE TOXIC LICE SHAMPOO, YOU ARE POISONING YOUR CHILD. Only a moron would put that toxic crap on their kid. You need to douse your kid in olive oil and mayonnaise and light a stick of incense. All the good parents do.

7. THE LICE WILL NEVER BE GONE AND YOU NEED TO OBSESSIVELY CHECK FOR THEM. You should probably get some Red Bull, coffee and crank, because you won't be sleeping for the next 6 months. Every night will be spent picking through your child's hair with the light from your phone.

8. KILLING YOURSELF MAY BE EASIER. I'm sorry, my friend. I don't advocate violence in any situation, except for lice. It's just not worth living anymore once lice is in your house.


Well, I hope that you have enjoyed Not Blessed Mama's tips for treating lice! Good luck!

Of course this post was written in jest- if you need real information regarding lice, check out a website such as Dr. Sears.

7 comments:

  1. Okay as someone who lived through the great head lice epidemic of 1998 here are my words of advice. After you delouse.

    Buy plastic zip mattress covers from target.

    Instead of pillows fold up beach towels and put linens in dryer everyday for 20 minutes.

    Add tea tree oil to their heads when they have shampoo in every time. You can buy it at high health.

    Run a hair dryer on their heads twice a day even on dry hair.

    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow! How did I miss this infestation? I think I was busy being a bad mami myself. Of course, now I want to go check the kid for lice and did I mention, the back of my head is slightly itchy?

    Wait, can I catch lice by coming on your site?! You better call me and tell me when you're done over there so I can come back and visit. Don't want to take any chances!!!! lol

    oxoxox

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  3. Now I'm very, very itchy. But still think you're a kick ass mom.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Crap. I knew I didn't see this one for a reason. Self conscience was keeping me away so I would get itchy. *scratch-scratch* Damn. Oh well. I guess I might as well be fully aware of your next post. LOL *scratch* Crap.

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  5. I HATE lice. We had a lice scare after handing out with church friends and for weeks I obsessivly searched for lice in my son's hair and made my husband check my head. I also gave myself an olive oil hair treatment. Still I dream about lice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I saw this article today and thought of you and now you have undeniable, verifiable that lice means your kids are CLEANER than most kids. And we know this 'cause yahoo news says so: http://health.yahoo.net/experts/healthykidshealthyfamily/head-lice

    - LBJ

    ReplyDelete

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