This Mother's Day, DITFY

Tweet Let me tell you about my first Mother's Day. I was pretty young, about 22, and I lived in a city where I had no friends or family. Not a one. Everyone I knew (besides my husband) lived 2 hours away. We lived in a little room in a boarding house. Spawn#1 was about a month old. So there I was, lonely and alone and young and hormonal and sleep deprived and my first Mother's Day rolls around. I didn't know what to expect, but I did expect something to happen.

It did. 

My husband woke up bright and early and went outside to wash his car. Which took (literally) about 5 hours. Then he ran to the store and got himself salmon and steak for dinner. And then he cooked it. And the whole house stunk of salmon and I hate salmon and then I cried. 

A lot. 

Subsequent Mother's Days have been better. Or mediocre. One memorable year husband walked into the master disaster playroom, intending to clean it, and walked back out after about 30 seconds. That year wasn't so great. And now, after experiencing 12 years of Mother's Days, I have come to a conclusion. I'm going to share it with you. 

Being a mom is hard work. Really hard work. Like the hardest thing I've ever done. And I think it's lovely and wonderful to spend a day thanking and pampering all mamas to show a little appreciation. A lot of money doesn't have to be spent- but something needs to happen. Something nice. And you know what I say about that? This Mother's Day, DITFY. Do It The Fuck Yourself.

Why sit around waiting for someone to make you happy? Why silently hope someone gets you that purse you've been eyeing? Why just hope you'll have enough quiet to snag a much needed nap? Do It The Fuck Yourself. Get the kids out of the house and enjoy some peace. Order that pair of shoes you've been watching. I've made an appointment for me and my girl to get a mani-pedi this Sunday, then I'm gonna take my boys and stuff my face with pancakes. You need to do whatever's gonna make you happy- you deserve it, and you should make it happen.  

And Happy Fucking Mother's Day!

PLEASE NOTE: This is intended solely as advice for mamas. If you have a mama, do not tell her to DITFY. That would not be appropriate. Tell your mama you want to give her a wonderful day and then do what she asks of you. Thank you. 

What I Want For Mother's Day? Not What You Think

Tweet I've been thinking (fantasizing) for a while about what I want for Mother's Day. Sadly, since we homeschool, my kids won't be coming home with any adorable hand print cards or flower shaped coupon books. Not Blessed Dad usually doesn't drop the ball, but he's a dude. Sunday morning he'll go get me some flowers from the grocery store, or ask me what I want to do. I remember one year he went into the playroom to clean it, and came out after about 5 minutes- looking bewildered and frightened. He tries (usually), but you know- he's a dude.

Of course, I want all the normal things moms want for Mother's Day. A tricked out mini-van, a clean house, flowers and candy and a meal I don't have to cook. I want all of those things too. But I realized there were other things I wanted more....

I don't want to make any macaroni and cheese. I don't want to wipe popsicle off the floor. I don't want to referee any fights. I don't want to say any of these phrases: Speak nicely, be kind, touch nicely, no hitting, please share, be gentle, or let me help you. I don't want to do any laundry, get anyone clean underwear, or find any missing flip flops. I don't want to brush anyone's hair. I don't want to hear "Moooooooooooooommmmmmm" five million times. I don't want anyone to treat my gut like a bounce house.

I guess it all boils down to what I want most of all. For Mother's Day, I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM.

Hold on, hold on. Don't get me wrong. My kids are the sun, moon and stars to me. They're my life, and that's the way I like it. I treasure them- but god dammit, I just need to get away from them. I need to be me for a little while. I need quiet, I need peace, I need to be treated like an adult. I want to do what I want to do- and I don't even know what that is, but it's definitely not watching My Little Pony or pushing someone on a swing for a gazillion hours. Just for a day.

So children, I love you more than anything. But please, for Mother's Day- GTFO. 

Am I a horrible mom for thinking this? What do YOU want for Mother's Day?

Happy Mama's Day, Ladies.

Tweet I was just checking some crap stuff on-line before heading off to bed, and I saw this:

It was on the Yahoo homepage (and probably still is). Now, this picture strongly reinforces my theory that every company needs to have a mother as an employee in an important position. Because this would never happen:

Ad exec #1: So what signifies Mothers Day to our users?

Ad exec #2: A kid scribbling on a wall, making a fat mess that her mother will have to clean up on her special day? Oh, and the mom should lovingly pat the girl on the head, just to show how much she appreciates her drawing all over the wall.

Room full of ad exec's nod and murmur in agreement.

I mean, what the bloody hell? What would make a women feel special about scrubbing paint off the wall? Let me tell you, I have at least 2 scribbles I need to go paint over right now, and they don't make me want to pat my Spawn on the head. Maybe if the patting involved some swatting, but not just patting. It's stupid. Yahoo- stupid.

So, to all my dear Mama friends, I wish you a lovely and wonderful and beautiful Mother's Day, that makes your wildest dreams come true- and I hope that no one draws on your walls. Smack 'em if they do. 

Love, Not Blessed Mama