This Mother's Day, DITFY

Tweet Let me tell you about my first Mother's Day. I was pretty young, about 22, and I lived in a city where I had no friends or family. Not a one. Everyone I knew (besides my husband) lived 2 hours away. We lived in a little room in a boarding house. Spawn#1 was about a month old. So there I was, lonely and alone and young and hormonal and sleep deprived and my first Mother's Day rolls around. I didn't know what to expect, but I did expect something to happen.

It did. 

My husband woke up bright and early and went outside to wash his car. Which took (literally) about 5 hours. Then he ran to the store and got himself salmon and steak for dinner. And then he cooked it. And the whole house stunk of salmon and I hate salmon and then I cried. 

A lot. 

Subsequent Mother's Days have been better. Or mediocre. One memorable year husband walked into the master disaster playroom, intending to clean it, and walked back out after about 30 seconds. That year wasn't so great. And now, after experiencing 12 years of Mother's Days, I have come to a conclusion. I'm going to share it with you. 

Being a mom is hard work. Really hard work. Like the hardest thing I've ever done. And I think it's lovely and wonderful to spend a day thanking and pampering all mamas to show a little appreciation. A lot of money doesn't have to be spent- but something needs to happen. Something nice. And you know what I say about that? This Mother's Day, DITFY. Do It The Fuck Yourself.

Why sit around waiting for someone to make you happy? Why silently hope someone gets you that purse you've been eyeing? Why just hope you'll have enough quiet to snag a much needed nap? Do It The Fuck Yourself. Get the kids out of the house and enjoy some peace. Order that pair of shoes you've been watching. I've made an appointment for me and my girl to get a mani-pedi this Sunday, then I'm gonna take my boys and stuff my face with pancakes. You need to do whatever's gonna make you happy- you deserve it, and you should make it happen.  

And Happy Fucking Mother's Day!

PLEASE NOTE: This is intended solely as advice for mamas. If you have a mama, do not tell her to DITFY. That would not be appropriate. Tell your mama you want to give her a wonderful day and then do what she asks of you. Thank you. 

What I Want For Mother's Day? Not What You Think

Tweet I've been thinking (fantasizing) for a while about what I want for Mother's Day. Sadly, since we homeschool, my kids won't be coming home with any adorable hand print cards or flower shaped coupon books. Not Blessed Dad usually doesn't drop the ball, but he's a dude. Sunday morning he'll go get me some flowers from the grocery store, or ask me what I want to do. I remember one year he went into the playroom to clean it, and came out after about 5 minutes- looking bewildered and frightened. He tries (usually), but you know- he's a dude.

Of course, I want all the normal things moms want for Mother's Day. A tricked out mini-van, a clean house, flowers and candy and a meal I don't have to cook. I want all of those things too. But I realized there were other things I wanted more....

I don't want to make any macaroni and cheese. I don't want to wipe popsicle off the floor. I don't want to referee any fights. I don't want to say any of these phrases: Speak nicely, be kind, touch nicely, no hitting, please share, be gentle, or let me help you. I don't want to do any laundry, get anyone clean underwear, or find any missing flip flops. I don't want to brush anyone's hair. I don't want to hear "Moooooooooooooommmmmmm" five million times. I don't want anyone to treat my gut like a bounce house.

I guess it all boils down to what I want most of all. For Mother's Day, I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM.

Hold on, hold on. Don't get me wrong. My kids are the sun, moon and stars to me. They're my life, and that's the way I like it. I treasure them- but god dammit, I just need to get away from them. I need to be me for a little while. I need quiet, I need peace, I need to be treated like an adult. I want to do what I want to do- and I don't even know what that is, but it's definitely not watching My Little Pony or pushing someone on a swing for a gazillion hours. Just for a day.

So children, I love you more than anything. But please, for Mother's Day- GTFO. 

Am I a horrible mom for thinking this? What do YOU want for Mother's Day?

10 Glorious Things Someone Should Have Told You About Motherhood

Tweet When you become pregnant, you will get a boat load of unwanted advice. It's usually either common sense stuff, or bat-shit crazy stuff (like someone cautioning me against cats stealing babies' breath). Well, Not Blessed Mama is here to tell you ten wonderful things about being a mother that no one else will. Because I'm cool like that.


1. Your child's leftovers will someday be irresistible. You will be eating other being's chewed up food and table scraps and calling it dinner. 
2. Say good-bye to your bosoms. Just say goodbye. It will be worth it, but.... just say goodbye.
3. Scrubbing poop out of carpet really sucks. Really. Also? Picking it up while.it.is.still.warm..... is really, really nasty.
4. Like going to the bathroom with the door closed? Better get over it.
5. The feeling of warm spit-up/vomit in your hair is gloriously indescribable. The feeling of cold, hard dried up spit up that's been in your hair for 3 days because you didn't have 15 free minutes to take shower? Even better. 
6. Might as well change your favorite foods from chicken alfredo and anything-that-requires-more-than-one-pot to mac n' cheese and anything-that-requires-only-one-pot.
7. Someday your kids are going to drive you so crazy, you are going to feel like chucking them out the nearest window. You will feel no remorse at the thought. But don't worry about it- it's like "look but don't touch." 
8. You know those magazine photos of women gently cradling their pregnant bellies in their arms, looking serene? Real preggo bellies don't look like that. Hello, stretch marks. 
9. Fart jokes will be the commonly accepted form of humor in your house at some point.
10. There is no harder job in the universe than being a mother- and none that are more worth it either. 


Aww, yes, I had to end it on a positive note because Hallmark is sponsoring this post! Just kidding, they're not. I wish they were though- what's a girl gotta do to get some damn endorsements around here? Hellooooo, Mike's Hard Lemonade (especially Black Cherry)???