September 15, 2010

10 Glorious Things Someone Should Have Told You About Motherhood

When you become pregnant, you will get a boat load of unwanted advice. It's usually either common sense stuff, or bat-shit crazy stuff (like someone cautioning me against cats stealing babies' breath). Well, Not Blessed Mama is here to tell you ten wonderful things about being a mother that no one else will. Because I'm cool like that.

1. Your child's leftovers will someday be irresistible. You will be eating other being's chewed up food and table scraps and calling it dinner. 
2. Say good-bye to your bosoms. Just say goodbye. It will be worth it, but.... just say goodbye.
3. Scrubbing poop out of carpet really sucks. Really. Also? Picking it up is really, really nasty.
4. Like going to the bathroom with the door closed? Better get over it.
5. The feeling of warm spit-up/vomit in your hair is gloriously indescribable. The feeling of cold, hard dried up spit up that's been in your hair for 3 days because you didn't have 15 free minutes to take shower? Even better. 
6. Might as well change your favorite foods from chicken alfredo and anything-that-requires-more-than-one-pot to mac n' cheese and anything-that-requires-only-one-pot.
7. Someday your kids are going to drive you so crazy, you are going to feel like chucking them out the nearest window. You will feel no remorse at the thought. But don't worry about it- it's like "look but don't touch." 
8. You know those magazine photos of women gently cradling their pregnant bellies in their arms, looking serene? Real preggo bellies don't look like that. Hello, stretch marks. 
9. Fart jokes will be the commonly accepted form of humor in your house at some point.
10. There is no harder job in the universe than being a mother- and none that are more worth it either. 

Aww, yes, I had to end it on a positive note because Hallmark is sponsoring this post! Just kidding, they're not. I wish they were though- what's a girl gotta do to get some damn endorsements around here? Hellooooo, Mike's Hard Lemonade (especially Black Cherry)???


  1. Mama i draw the line at already been chewed food, lol! And you know what is better than picking up hot turds? Stepping in them!!! Damn baby is on a diaper strike and can de-robe herself to her birthday suit!!!
    Here's a Mike's to you Mama!

  2. Oh, you think you're better than me, huh mama??? Not eating ABC food??? ;)
    P.S. Stepping in crap is super nasty as well. The big kids get really mad when they've done this!

  3. Thanks for this post! I thought I was the only mom in the world who went for days without a shower... I always see these cutsie, perfect little mama's at the store, and wonder how they got their hair to be clean, much less put make up on!
    Some days are better than others... :)
    Love reading your blog, keep up the good work!

  4. Better, no way, you have a much stronger stomach than I, lol. I hate even sharing drinks with my heathens because of backwash and remnants. My sensory issues, lol. If you can stomach it, hey less waste! You thought you were being gross, you're just being green, lol.

  5. Soooooo true! I'm past most of that stuff.....but knee deep in fart jokes. *le sigh*

  6. Last night, my dinner was comprised of pizza the boy rejected, left over meatloaf bits I stole from the girls plate & a chicken nugget stolen from the pizza replacement. Yumm-eee! Where is the pepto?

    I still need to taste one of those Mike's Black Cherry!!! Mmmmmm... sounds so good right about now. I mean it. I'll help you tag for a Mikes. ;0)

  7. I love comment #7! I called my mom at three in the morning once when my daughter was around 5 months old because I was seriously contemplating on just tossing her out the window...luckily my mon talked me out of it. Kind of psycho, I know, but also true! Can we say EXHAUASTED!!!

  8. Ain't this the truth! And thanks for #7. I knew other moms thought of it, but I thought I was the only meanie who didn't feel bad about thinking it!

  9. LOVED this post!!! Off to share it on twitter and facebook!

  10. Wow, when I read this I didn't laugh at first because it didn't even occur to me that other people DON'T live like this! The things motherhood does to you.

  11. Thank you, lovely ladies, for reading and your awesome comments! it's good to know I'm not alone.:)

  12. A few years back I was talking to a friend of mine who was a first time mom in the depths of hell with her screaming child and basically outlined #7 for her. She started crying and said "OMG Im not the only one? I felt like a horrible mother. None of my "friends" here have ever mentioned this" I was all "DUH!! Perfect moms will never cop to this, they love their kids more than us, and couldn't even fathom not wanting to cuddle them close and sooth them into quietness with gentle singing....Shhhhhhh-t!! They are LYING if they say that they have never felt this way...LYING!"


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