September 7, 2010

Like Breastfeeding? Then Un-like Regretsy

Not Blessed Mama is always tardy to the party. I was late to Myspace, Facebook, Sons of Anarchy, blogging, Twitter, iPhones, True Blood.... I guess I'm just too busy traumatizing the Spawn for life trying to be a loving mother and wife. So when I finally stumbled upon Regretsy, it was already wildly popular- and hilarious. I was hooked, and it took me about 3 nights of staying up until the wee hours of the morning to read every single entry. You see, Regretsy takes funky crafts and whatnot from Etsy, and mocks them mercilessly. April Winchell, the site's author, has a sharp tongue and a dirty mouth- the results are hysterical. I love her kind of humor- similar to Lisa Lampanelli, my favorite comedian. A kind of no-holds-barred, everything is fair game attitude. I consider myself to be in that category- I'm definitely an equal opportunity mocker. 
I was quite thrilled to find Regretsy on Facebook, as I was developing a secret girl crush on April. Until...... dun dun dun (ominous music playing).... the day of the Milky Milky Necklace. Some well-meaning mother crafted a necklace made to look like a set of boobs, to comfort her daughter who was weaning. I must confess to you before I continue- I have been producing milk for the past 9+ years. I've nursed 3 gorgeous, healthy Spawn, and it is something that is quite important to me. But I'm not up-tight. I can take a joke- and I had no qualms about people mocking this nursing/weaning necklace. Because, let's be real, giving a small child a set of silver knockers to wear around her neck is..... uhh... possibly just a little itty bitty tiny bit bizarre. 
Unfortunately, the mocking did not stop at the necklace, as I had expected might happen. Many people were making deregatory remarks about "lactards"- a horrible term that I think is pretty self explanatory. April (and most of her minions) think that breastfeeding is so normal and natural, it's like pooping. Seriously, it was compared to defecation. It's just a natural bodily function no one should be proud of. Unfortunately this line of thinking doesn't make sense- per the CDC,  in 2007 33% of babies were exclusively breastfed through 3 months of age, and approximately 13% were exclusively breastfed through 6 months. Those are pretty dismal numbers. If breastfeeding was as easy as going to the bathroom, don't you think that a lot more women would be doing it? Let's face facts- nursing is not always easy. You constantly need to be physically available to your baby, or pump milk in preparation of any separation. You must watch your diet, and avoid foods that bother your child- as well as caffeine and alcohol. You must sacrifice your body for your child's well being- and it is such a totally awesome, wonderful and glorious thing, mothers do it all the time. It is well worth the price. 


And by the way, my feelings about the lactation police have NOTHING to do with breastfeeding.

It's when you start taking yourself and your body so seriously that you think you're a fucking superhero for feeding your kid that it turns a corner.
August 7 at 11:30pm

This is a quote from April Winchell on the FB discussion. April, I invite you to ask your mother if she nursed you. If she did, please tell her that the 9 months that she lovingly carried you inside her body and then nourished you with milk from her bosom are nothing special- they're akin to taking a crap. Giving you life and nourishment solely from the power of her own body is like eating a burrito and then dropping the kids off at the pool- it's not serious, it's not special and anyone could do it without a second thought. Wrong, Wrong, and Wrong again. It's hard work, but it is mind-blowingly insane the amazing things that a woman's body can do, and the sacrifices she will make for her child. And breastfeeding women  are fucking superheros, thankyouverymuch.
End rant. 


  1. *stands up and applauds loudly* Ya, I was all for April/Regretsy until then. Being called lactard by april herself was a turning poing for me. Not fun or funny. I joined to laugh, not be laughed at for feeding my kid. And I agree. Natural? Yes. Easy? HELLS NO! They don't have people specially trained to help you learn how to poop properly. *eye roll*

  2. BTW "is like eating a burrito and then dropping the kids off at the pool" had me laughing so damn hard! Had to stop reading to collect myself. LOL!!

  3. Lame!!! I'm proud that I've been able to nurse my monster baby all 7 1/2 months of his life so far. There are many others out there who despite their best effort have not been so lucky. It's sounds to me like the only person who should be referred to as any sort of "tard" is this ignorant April.

  4. Snarky/rude/pointless comments are neither appreciated nor published. You don't like what I write? No prob. :) Move on.

  5. I tried to nurse all 3 of my girls and I was unsuccessful all 3 times. I have to say for this (ok they are all 13 and up) I feel like a failure! Breastfeeders are SUPERMOMS!

  6. I noticed you are a new follower of my blog, so I thought I'd stop by. I love how you defend breastfeeding and acknowledge that there is effort involved. I have 3 children who were nursed for a combined total of 9 years (no, not any one of them nursed for 9 years, sadly I have to clarify that...)

    I was, at first, a tad put off by some of the language on your blog; however, it is your blog and you tell it like it is, which I do appreciate. You are quite funny and I'll be stopping by now and then. Thanks for being real!


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