July 7, 2012

Damn Those Bath Salts

I'm sure you've all heard of the horrific bath salt related attacks lately. And you may have heard that some people are joking that bath salts are the precursor to the zombie apocalypse. Which is silly, of course. But last night as I was laying in bed, I started to think- what if this was it? What if this really was the start of zombie attacks? What if our world became like The Walking Dead and we had to steal food and hide and protect ourselves from flesh eating monsters? How would I take care of my kids? How would I get enough food? What would I use to protect the windows? Would we need to go in the attic? And what if we ran out of food? What if we had no where to go and I felt like I was running out of options? And I really started to get upset thinking about it all.

Obviously, I have a problem.

My paranoia used to be much worse. When Spawn#1 was just 2 years old, I was laying down for a nap with him. I heard a train whistle, reasonably close by- and I thought, what if there are circus animals on that train? What if that train crashed and the animals escaped and a tiger was in my backyard? What if a tiger was in my laundry room? How would I protect my Spawn? And on, and on. Because really, isn't it totally rational to be mentally prepared for circus animal or bath salt zombie attacks?

You may think I'm joking, but I'm totally serious. I go through these crazy scenarios in my head, and make a plan of action and decide what I would need to do to protect my kids. Driving over bridges, going to the zoo. Intruders breaking into the house, going on rides at the fair, falling over the railing on the second floor of the mall. I need to be ready for the worst possibility. Why? I don't know.

My contingency plans are fewer and farther in between these days. I think that I'm just too busy to let my brain idle. Which is good- while they've never limited or impacted our lives, I'm sane enough to realize that this kind of thinking is not exactly... normal. Once, when I casually mentioned a thought to my sister about a bridge we were driving over, she went quiet and looked at me with wide eyes. I'm sane, ok- just not normal.

So, are you worried about the upcoming bath salt zombpocalypse? Or do you have some prescription drugs to share with me? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

14 comments:

  1. I have made all sorts of mental escape plans, I've always been that way and it's become worse as I had kids...and watched the news. Not too worried about zombies...but escaped giraffes are freaky!

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    1. Wow, I never even thought about giraffes. What's wrong with me???

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  2. I do the same thing too! Less as the kids get older... I think our hormones calm the fuck down the further away we get from childbirth.

    We were out with a group of friends and in our city a couple weeks ago and we decided that we were to treat every bum as being on "bath salts."

    PS I take Celexa and it's amazing ha ha! ;)

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    1. I could kiss you for saying that it's hormones instead of mental problems. Seriously- where are you? Pucker up. (Also, good thinking on the transients.)

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  3. Omuhgawd I. Do. The. Same. Thing. Well, sort of. And like the others have said before me, not so much as the kids are grown. But my thing was fire. Every night before I drifted off to sleep I went through my survival plan if the house were to catch on fire in the night. If it caught fire here first, I would do this; if that was the starting point of the conflagration (I've been trying to work that work into a conversation ALL DAY), I'd do this. I used to do the bridge thing when I was a little girl, because we had to go over a very small, rickety board bridge (seriously, if your vehicle had a wide wheel base, you were fucked) with no rails or anything to get to my grandparents'house, and I always shut my eyes going over, until one day, when I was about twelve, I made myself open my eyes and look down, and realized the bridge was only about four feet above a three-inch deep creek, and if it did fail, while it would undoubtedly mess the car up bad and my dad would be PISSED, we were unlikely to be injured ourselves in any way. But zombies? Samurai sword. And I still don't have one. And it's keeping me up at night worrying about it.

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    1. Oh, the fire! Me too. And what's worse is that I wear glasses, and what if I can't find them and I can't see anything? But at least I came to grips with the fact that the neighbors might see me in my underwear. P.s. Are we really having a rational conversation about this?

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  4. We have zombie training days...they may call us crazy but when the zombies come we'll be the ones they run to for help.

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  5. Not worried about any of that. God's dealing with it for me. I do also have enough perscription drugs that I can share with you.

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    1. There's my problem- I have neither God nor prescription drugs, so I'm totally screwed.

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  6. Who would ever think about snorting bath salts. That's crazy.

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    1. Mrs Tuna- it's always so lovely to hear from you. If you would just get on the goddamn Twitter already, I could hear from you all the time.

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  7. Sorry I have been such a bad follower. I have always sucked at following. Ask anyone. *sigh* Zombies don't keep me up at night becuase... well, like I said. Follower. I most likely would be one of the first to turn. However, I do have one hell of a zombie-mom plan. Gotta keep those brains fresh and on the table for the zombie-littles, after all. A mouth to feed (no matter how fucked up) is a mouth to feed.

    No, seriously. The whole apoco-craze has really been quite the fodder for nightmares and run away thoughts the last decade or so. Damn you Y2J!!! You started all this mess!!!

    Wow. That dated me.

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  8. I do not claim to have an understanding of the reason why, nevertheless I personally could not hope to actually come across what I was looking for.
    bath salts online

    ReplyDelete

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