My Birthday, My Anniversary, And My New Career

Tweet Yup yup! Today is my birthday- and my anniversary. 11 years ago, I said to my boyfriend, "Hey! Let's get married on my birthday!" And we did. The End.

I've been thinking about 11 years lately. Because, frankly, 11 years is a long ass time. And all of a sudden, BAM! It hit me- I had a new calling. Hallmark really needs someone to spice up their greeting card line. And here I am, ready, willing and able! I'd like to give you a little preview of what I'm sure is going to be my wildly successful greeting card line. In honor of today, I'm starting with anniversary cards.

And since you know how much Not Blessed Mama loves her precious readers, I will begin taking advance orders from you right now! I can even personalize the inside with a sentimental, handwritten message so you don't have to waste your time doing that kind of crap. I know I'd be thrilled to get an anniversary card with some strangers handwriting in it- it really shows how much you care, you know? I'm feeling really optimistic about this, so make sure you get your orders in today!

And I would be remiss if I didn't say Happy Anniversary, Not Blessed Daddy! 11 years IS a long ass time, and I still love you. 

It's my Anniversary...

Tweet And birthday, actually. I chose to get married on my birthday- in all honesty I am not quite sure why, but my husband is a lucky man to be able to combine the two. It's been ten years that we've been married. Some days I love him dearly- some days I flip him off from behind closed doors. But the one good thing I have to say about our marriage is that it is still fresh- who knows why. We still laugh like we did when we first got together- we still tease, argue, flirt and enjoy each other's company (even when we feel like ripping each other's throats out). So, Not Blessed Daddy, in honor of the ten glorious-wonderful-beautiful-miserable-awful-terrible years we have been joined in holy matrimony, I would like to give you a gift- a special present. A peek inside Not Blessed Mama's mind- here is the:

Not Blessed Mama Translator

• "I'm trying to put the baby to sleep- could you please turn the tv down?" Are you totally deaf? Turn the damn tv down! This baby hasn't slept at all today and do you not see what a mess I am? Dammit!
• "What would you like for dinner tonight?" Better pour yourself a bowl of cereal, buddy. If I haven't figured dinner out by now, it ain't happening. 
• "Do you think this dress looks okay? It's new." Why do I bother trying to look nice for you? I'm going to start wearing garbage bags and see if you notice.
• "Do you mind if I go out with the Mom's Group tonight?" I've barely had any adult conversation in a week and it's starting to get to me. If I don't have one hour with adults and without children grabbing my boobs, yelling at me for toast or crying about how much they hate their siblings, something very bad is going to happen.
• "Can you take the garbage out for me?" I know your Mama didn't raise you to be a slob- get off your ass and give a hand. Pronto!
• "What do you want to do while the kids are with my Mom?" I am not spending date night watching Ultimate Fighting, so you had best put some clean clothes on so we can go out now.
• "I don't know where the remote control is, but it must be here somewhere." Okay, we probably have 5,000 things in this house. I know that I am Super Mom, but I can't keep track of every single piece of crap we own!
• "Actually I didn't move your *whatever*, it must have been the kids." I know we spend a lot of time together and they are always on me, but the kids and I really are separate entities and I do not control them by mind-melding.
• "I have a headache." Seriously, I have a headache.

Happy Anniversary, Not Blessed Daddy. Love you.