Not Blessed Mama's Unwanted and Unsolicited Product Review: Do You Have $3?

Tweet I swear that this is the best three dollars I EVER SPENT IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.

So- water balloons. My Spawn love water balloons, of course. Who doesn't? I don't. I freaking hate water balloons. They take 5 hours to blow up and the kids pop them all in 30 seconds. They always break when you try to force them on the faucet. My fat little fingers get sore trying to tie them. I just really, really hate them. They're way more of a hassle than they're worth. My kids just have to go without. And I don't even give a shit.

Until about a month ago. When I bought the most amazing thing that 3 dollars could ever buy. This. This glorious piece of plastic- The Kaos Tie Not Water Balloon Filler.

This thing is genius. IT'S GENIUS. You stick it on your garden hose, stick a balloon on it, fill up the balloon and twist it around the contraption- then you pull it off and the balloon is tied. It's tied. If you don't think this is amazing, let me tell you: the first day we got this, my 5 year old sat still for over half an hour and filled up a whole tub of water balloons himself. By himself. Quietly, with no supervision from me. All 3 of my Spawn have been using this thing all the time- they love it. They have water balloon fights with the neighborhood kids and have an awesome time- and best of all, leave me alone while they do it. That alone is worth way more than three bucks. I got mine at Wal-Mart. They're available on-line, but they're more expensive. 

We've had this over a month now and it's still going strong. I can't believe that a tiny piece of plastic has brought me such joy. Well, I can believe it- but it only cost $3 and I didn't have to lock the bathroom door. So it's a win.

GO BUY THIS!!!

I am not affiliated with Kaos and their fine water balloon products. But if I did see them, I'd probably kiss them on the mouth. This stupid thing is that goddamn awesome. I am telling you!

Damn Those Bath Salts

Tweet I'm sure you've all heard of the horrific bath salt related attacks lately. And you may have heard that some people are joking that bath salts are the precursor to the zombie apocalypse. Which is silly, of course. But last night as I was laying in bed, I started to think- what if this was it? What if this really was the start of zombie attacks? What if our world became like The Walking Dead and we had to steal food and hide and protect ourselves from flesh eating monsters? How would I take care of my kids? How would I get enough food? What would I use to protect the windows? Would we need to go in the attic? And what if we ran out of food? What if we had no where to go and I felt like I was running out of options? And I really started to get upset thinking about it all.

Obviously, I have a problem.

My paranoia used to be much worse. When Spawn#1 was just 2 years old, I was laying down for a nap with him. I heard a train whistle, reasonably close by- and I thought, what if there are circus animals on that train? What if that train crashed and the animals escaped and a tiger was in my backyard? What if a tiger was in my laundry room? How would I protect my Spawn? And on, and on. Because really, isn't it totally rational to be mentally prepared for circus animal or bath salt zombie attacks?

You may think I'm joking, but I'm totally serious. I go through these crazy scenarios in my head, and make a plan of action and decide what I would need to do to protect my kids. Driving over bridges, going to the zoo. Intruders breaking into the house, going on rides at the fair, falling over the railing on the second floor of the mall. I need to be ready for the worst possibility. Why? I don't know.

My contingency plans are fewer and farther in between these days. I think that I'm just too busy to let my brain idle. Which is good- while they've never limited or impacted our lives, I'm sane enough to realize that this kind of thinking is not exactly... normal. Once, when I casually mentioned a thought to my sister about a bridge we were driving over, she went quiet and looked at me with wide eyes. I'm sane, ok- just not normal.

So, are you worried about the upcoming bath salt zombpocalypse? Or do you have some prescription drugs to share with me? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

What I Want For Mother's Day? Not What You Think

Tweet I've been thinking (fantasizing) for a while about what I want for Mother's Day. Sadly, since we homeschool, my kids won't be coming home with any adorable hand print cards or flower shaped coupon books. Not Blessed Dad usually doesn't drop the ball, but he's a dude. Sunday morning he'll go get me some flowers from the grocery store, or ask me what I want to do. I remember one year he went into the playroom to clean it, and came out after about 5 minutes- looking bewildered and frightened. He tries (usually), but you know- he's a dude.

Of course, I want all the normal things moms want for Mother's Day. A tricked out mini-van, a clean house, flowers and candy and a meal I don't have to cook. I want all of those things too. But I realized there were other things I wanted more....

I don't want to make any macaroni and cheese. I don't want to wipe popsicle off the floor. I don't want to referee any fights. I don't want to say any of these phrases: Speak nicely, be kind, touch nicely, no hitting, please share, be gentle, or let me help you. I don't want to do any laundry, get anyone clean underwear, or find any missing flip flops. I don't want to brush anyone's hair. I don't want to hear "Moooooooooooooommmmmmm" five million times. I don't want anyone to treat my gut like a bounce house.

I guess it all boils down to what I want most of all. For Mother's Day, I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM.

Hold on, hold on. Don't get me wrong. My kids are the sun, moon and stars to me. They're my life, and that's the way I like it. I treasure them- but god dammit, I just need to get away from them. I need to be me for a little while. I need quiet, I need peace, I need to be treated like an adult. I want to do what I want to do- and I don't even know what that is, but it's definitely not watching My Little Pony or pushing someone on a swing for a gazillion hours. Just for a day.

So children, I love you more than anything. But please, for Mother's Day- GTFO. 

Am I a horrible mom for thinking this? What do YOU want for Mother's Day?